Polite Conversation

So I went out for lunch with the girls on the weekend. B has just recently announced that she is pregnant and T has just had her second baby. B is really excited about it. And as it was the first time we had seen her since she announced it - she obviously had a lot to say. But T happily joined in talking about ultra sounds and the first trimester etc etc...GAH!

I got a small glimpse of the future and wondered how many more lunch date conversations will I be left out of? It's a fairly common topic amongst the women folk, as my husband would say. I guess it will pass as I get older and the women who are having babies will be fewer.

I don't know, it's a difficult thing to avoid when you're surrounded by it.

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The Follow Up

Well my appointment with my doctor went as well as can be expected. It was Melbourne Cup Day. I had heels on and a flower in my hair, I was feeling pretty positive.

He sat across from me and studied my file very carefully, flicking questions to me absent-mindedly. He kind of muttered to himself that he had no idea why my cycle behaved like that on Femara. No answers at all. Then he put the folder away and just said, "What are we going to do with you?" That made me laugh. That is indeed the million dollar question.

And then he said,"The only option left is IVF."

And suddenly, there it was. It was kind of a relief in a way. Now I was actually forced to confront it, it didn't seem as intimidating as I had made it out to be. I was actually a little excited at the possibilities.

Time will tell.

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Feeling Sorry for Myself

Yesterday I burnt a whole bunch of photos from the past 4 years for a few of my friends. As I was looking over them, I couldn't help but notice how much younger I looked then. My skin was healthier. I was close to 10kg lighter. I had lovely long, shiny hair. And it looked like I smiled a lot.

Ever since I went off the pill, my skin has just been a nightmare. Now I'm battling with eczema AND acne. I also noticed it was harder to keep the weight off - which is exactly opposite to what normally happens! I guess age is partly responsible...and the odd late night dessert run to Woolies.

How depressing to notice the affects of time.

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Reality hits you hard, bro!

The other day, I found out a good friend was pregnant. I was stunned! Speechless. I didn't know what to think, but then lurking the back of mind was that massive neon sign that told me I had been unsuccessful for three years now. It was like someone had filled a bucket with cold, hard reality and thrown it right into my face.

In my mind I was happy for her. How couldn't I be? It was something she really wanted and I think she deserves it. But my heart wasn't really in it. I couldn't get over the fact that in the same three years I had been trying to conceive, she had met someone new, moved to Canada to be with him, married him and was now having his baby. A good three years for her, but what a waste of three years for me.

So many questions revolving around why it hasn't happened for me. Haven't I done all the right things? And if not, then what was I doing wrong? Why does it happen so easily for other people? Do I have it in me to keep trying?

My resolve is starting to wear very thin.

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