Day 12 - Emotional relapse

I've been in for my blood test and the nurse has just rung with my results. I was tested for my progesterone levels and pregnancy. She told me that I wasn't pregnant and my progesterone levels are still high, so I should expect my period to arrive by the end of the week.

Grr! I'm already on day 33!! This is ridiculous!!


I started to feel so stupid. I had actually let myself think that my period hadn't come yet because I might have been pregnant. What...a...FOOL! Then I started to doubt how my body was reacting to the chemicals. I wasn't feeling noticeably bad side effects, however, the same thing happened when I was on Femara. I felt OK at the time and then that IUI cycle was cancelled because my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. The doctor couldn't explain it! What if that was happening again?

And then I thought, these drugs aren't going to work. This IVF cycle isn't going to work. I better get used to hearing the same thing from the nurse every time she calls me with results, because I was looking down a long history of failures. You're not pregnant. FAIL. We'll have to cancel this cycle. FAIL. But it will still cost you $$$$. FAIL. You're welcome to try again next month....FAIL!!

How long will I have to keep on trying? And failing? Wasting money? Wasting time? Losing hope...

I'm not going to lie. It spiraled out of control for me. I shut out my husband for 2 days. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. I had convinced myself that he didn't love me. He didn't care about me. It was emotionally and physically draining. I had to forcibly drag myself around the office at work the next day.

But I got better. Time to myself helped. And working really helped shift my focus away from my issues too.

Well? Is it PMS or drugs?

I still don't know if it was PMS or drugs. But I would have to say that the drugs just amplified the stress. All these niggling little issues just worked their way up to the surface, and like weeds, they just fed on the drugs that I was spraying up my nose. These issues are nothing new, they're things that I've kept in the dark recesses of my mind. All of sudden, they just break free, get out of control and send me into the foetal position.

But one thing I do want to say is, regardless of whether it is PMS or drugs, those issues are still real. Those are real fears that I have, and drugs do not make them any less valid. It really pisses me off when people just disregard your little "hissy-fits" by saying "that's just the drugs talking." No, I'm doing the talking, the drugs are just making me louder...

…I mean, haven't they ever been drunk before?