This time last year...

It's 10pm and I'm heading off to bed. I quickly duck into the nursery to check on Jnr C, and he lays there perfectly still, quietly breathing. He hasn't moved since I put him in his cot at 7.30pm. He has the most perfect, angelic face when he's asleep...sigh.

I can't believe how lucky I am. I know that I'm approaching the anniversary of when we got the positive test result, so I think back to where we were this time a year ago. It's hard to believe how much can change in a year.

This time last year:

• We had just started our first IVF cycle.
• I had been pumping Synarel up my nose for 10 days.
• We were enjoying the beautiful, sunny beaches of Perth.
• We were living in our own home.
• I had a great, full time job that I loved.
• And I was facing a whole new chapter of uncertainty, which I was totally scared, yet cautiously optimistic about. Let's face it - I was crapping myself.

And here we are. Living in a rented house in Canberra, 2 hours away from the closest beach. Enjoying a new full time role as a mum, which I'm growing to love more and more. And looking at the sweet face of my little boy. 

I would like to take my past self aside and tell her, "You will overcome your nervous diahorrea issue. This will be one of the best decisions you have ever made and, as always, you will follow it through with determination and surprising ease."

So much can change in a year.

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Welcome to motherhood

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I may have been teetering on the precipice for a while, but I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a beautiful, healthy baby boy - Jnr C. After what seemed like an agonising last few weeks, Jnr C came into this world via emergency C-Section.

I was expecting a natural labour, so was not prepared for the cesarean at all. Labour started to get more intense 6 or 7 hours after I arrived at the hospital. In fact I was in hospital for a total of 14 hours before Jnr C made his appearance. Once the decision had been made to go into theatre, everything happened really quickly. I was laid on the table after they inserted the spinal block and a curtain was put up above my chest so I couldn't see the doctors rummaging around in the basement. My husband was called in and 10 minutes later the sharp cries of little Jnr C pierced the air.

It was the most surreal moment. All the years of trying. All the months of incubating. All the hours of labour. And it was over in 10 minutes. I had a son. I was a mum.

They held this greyish, wrinkly, wriggly little stranger above my face and I looked into his swollen little eyes. And no, I wasn't overwhelmed with a flood of emotion or instant love. I was stunned. I felt so removed from the whole process. My memory of his birth will always be looking at a kaleidoscope of lights above me and a blue curtain. Even when my husband showed me pictures of the doctor holding Jnr C above my opened "handbag," I still couldn't identify with what I was looking at. I was so detached from that moment, it was like I was looking at the pictures of the birth of someone else's baby. I missed out on seeing him come from my body. At least my husband got to see it, take him over to get weighed AND cut his umbilical cord.

And Jnr C remained a stranger to me for a while afterwards. It was still hard for me to grasp the enormity of finally reaching the goal I had worked towards for so many years. Just like my pregnancy, I kept waiting for someone to rip the rug from right under my feet. I would also look at his little sleeping face and feel immense responsibility for this little man. I was somebody's mother and he needed me. It scared me.

The days passed, my confidence grew. I slowly recovered. My energy slowly returned. Now he looks into my eyes and I realise, I am his mother and he needs me. And with that one look, he makes me melt. I am in love. I want to make everything better for him. I want to make him smile everyday. I never want him to stop looking at me like that. How many times can I kiss that kid? Not enough.

Jnr C will be 10 weeks tomorrow. Those weeks have gone by so fast and I can't wait for the next 10.

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